Salutations & Suffering

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Today I feel guilty.

I don't know why, and there is no clear reason for it, but the feeling remains the same.

I feel bad for not having achieved my goals yet.

Then again, I feel bad that I haven't allowed myself the grace of giving myself the time to do the work.

It takes time to remake yourself and do it right this time. It feels like there are no second chances. Do it right or else...

The worst-case scenario for me would be to try this new way and fail, only to discover that I have no other options. Essentially, I fail at life and can't recover.

That's what underlies all of the fears I've been having lately. It's the one aspect that I don't even want to put words to, but I've been afraid of dying lately. Dying due to illness or injury. Overwork, overstress, not sleeping enough, drinking too much alcohol, smoking too much weed, not being open enough, not being close enough, becoming distant and withdrawn, attracting bad energy. Any of these issues could kill me in a heartbeat.

That scares the shit out of me because I'm not ready.

I have so much more that I want to do and feel called to do.

I know those are aspects of being human, and perhaps more specifically aspects of being a man, but I can't divorce myself from my desire to make my mark on this world. I want to contribute some of these thoughts I've been contemplating for a long time.

I want to help people in the ways that I wish I had been helped.

I want to give back to the people of this world some of what I have received from them.

I am frightened that I won't be able to achieve those goals. I'm even more afraid that I won't get to enjoy the knowledge that I made a meaningful impression.

I want to live with the daily knowledge of joy. I fear more than I celebrate, and I want to reverse that.

I know that delusion is not the pathway to joy. Joy can only be fully felt when you've given equal acknowledgment to your suffering. Denial only prolongs inevitable suffering.

If we approach our suffering not as something to be avoided or pushed away, but as something that informs and educates us about the reality of our lives, our relationship with it begins to change.

Some say that all life is varying degrees of suffering, even the joyous parts. I can see things from that perspective because the reason we pursue joy is that we are aware of its fleeting nature. As soon as a joyous moment begins, it also begins moving toward its end. We lament the parts we no longer have while simultaneously enjoying the moment itself.

It's a bittersweet push and pull of emotion that we have built a habit around.

That habit is the avoidance of the unhappy parts of our reality. This denial, or resistance, creates frustration because we're denying the true fluidity of our emotions. By acknowledging the benevolence of suffering, we can painfully appreciate every passing moment with all of its bittersweet flavor.

When I see a sunset, I both mourn the dying of the day and celebrate the oncoming darkness of the night. When I see a sunset now, I see a liminal space—a visible transition between day and night, moving slowly enough to be perceived.

If we look at the totality of our lives through this lens, we can find reasons to celebrate amidst our suffering. Suffering no longer means that life has stopped moving in its natural flow. Rather, it becomes a sign heralding the depth of joy whose transition we are mourning.

Once we allow the process to ebb and flow like ocean waves upon the shore—where joy advances and recedes, feeding the ocean of our suffering, only to return joyfully once again—something begins to shift. This process of emotional back-and-forth is what gives our individual lives flavor and character. It is the energy that drives our personalities and shapes the perspectives through which we see the world.

In a perfect world, this understanding could be applied universally and without error. Unfortunately, it requires all of us to address our suffering through similar practices of acceptance and integration instead of the ideas of separation and otherness often celebrated in Western societies.

If we view our inner world the same way we often view the outer world—as something to be beaten, conquered, and dominated—then we will constantly exist in a state of struggle. However, if we embrace collaboration and cooperation within ourselves and with the world around us, we discover many more gifts in life.

It is often moments of suffering that derail us from achieving our intended goals. Yet it is how we respond to that suffering that determines the ongoing outcome of our decisions. If we can approach things more collaboratively, we can become better because of our suffering.

The truth within the saying, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is that as long as you're alive, you can learn from every experience. That's wisdom. That's growth.

Through that process, we transmute suffering into something beneficial, and existence itself becomes more joyful. This outcome requires a shift in perspective.

There is also a place along the spectrum for those who are not yet able to make that shift. If this is indeed an evolutionary process of consciousness, then everyone eventually grows along the journey of their spirit.

Eventually, we all evolve. We all ascend from ignorance toward wisdom.